


Not The One I'm Looking For

by HomuraBakura



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 00:53:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11475186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomuraBakura/pseuds/HomuraBakura
Summary: Ray had come out of the machine the same age that Yuzu had been, Yuya’s age.  Yuya had grabbed her, and for a moment, he had thought it was Yuzu…until Ray had looked up at him with eyes a different shade, pigtails a hint darker and a hint too long, with horror and shock in her eyes.“It wasn’t supposed to be me,” she had whispered before passing out in his arms.





	Not The One I'm Looking For

“ _No!_ ” the vibrating scream echoed out of the windows.  “ _Fuck_ you!  There’s a _reason_ he’s never home, there’s a reason she hates you—there’s a reason _I_ hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU—”

Yuya flinched, leaping back just in time to avoid the door smacking him in the face.

The person shooting through the door skidded past him in a whirl of maroon hair and tear-filled eyes, her gaze skating past him.  He heard the faint sound of someone shouting her name from inside the house, and he automatically reached for her, seeing someone else in those teary eyes for a moment.

Perhaps she was seeing someone else for a moment, too, because at the sound of her name echoing behind her, she flinched, and automatically grabbed his outstretched wrist, dragging him down the steps and yanking him after her.

It was so fast and so dizzying that Yuya did not protest or struggle—he just let her hang onto him, and ran as fast as he could to keep up.  Their feet echoed across the sidewalks in the quiet, gated community evening, but it didn’t take long for them to reach the gates and bolt out into the city.

It was then, and only then, that Akaba Ray slowly, slowly came to a stop.

For a few moments, both of them just stood there, half doubled over, gasping for breath.

Then Ray seemed to realize that she was still holding onto Yuya’s wrist, and she released him quickly.

“I’m sorry,” she gasped, drawing back, hands clasping together over her chest.  “I’m—I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I did that.”

Yuya only gasped and shook his head, trying to get his air back.

“I…I probably startled you,” he said.  “I’m sorry, too.”

Ray shook her head quickly.

“No, no, no, you didn’t do anything wrong…I—I’m sorry.  Y-you…why were you there…?”

She blinked with some confusion, and Yuya had to look away.  She looked…she looked too much like…like _her_.

“I was…coming to visit with Reiji,” he said.

“Oh,” she said.  “He…he wasn’t home, anyway.”

“I kinda figured…”

He chanced one more peek at her from under his bangs, but he had to look away again.

Through…whatever mysterious circumstances when Ray had been the one to tumble out of Arc V instead of Yuzu, Ray had come out of the machine the same age that Yuzu had been, Yuya’s age.  Yuya had grabbed her, and for a moment, he had thought it _was_ Yuzu…until Ray had looked up at him with eyes a different shade, pigtails a hint darker and a hint too long, with horror and shock in her eyes.

 _“It wasn’t supposed to be me,”_ she had whispered before passing out in his arms.

Even now, she looked just like her…just like Yuzu.  Or Ruri, or Rin, or Selena, as the other three boys in Yuya’s head often thought with disconcertion.

For a while after she had returned, Ray had disappeared.  She had tried to meet Shuzo and broken down crying, saying that she remembered Yuzu’s life, but Yuzu wasn’t in her head the way the boys were in Yuya’s—and then she had ran, hidden away with only Leo following her.

When Yuya had seen her next, she had stopped wearing pigtails.

She wasn’t wearing them now, either, with her hair past her waist, long and thick over her shoulders and falling into her eyes.  It was clear she hadn’t gotten a haircut in the months she had been a person again.

Her hands were trembling, Yuya realized.  It was hard to look her in the eyes and see Yuzu but not Yuzu looking back at him, but he could see her hands.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“F-fine,” she said.  “Sorry.  I’m keeping you…w-why don’t I text Reiji and see where he’s at, so you can meet up with him.”

She reached for her pocket, but Yuya’s hand jumped out almost by itself, grabbing her wrist.

“You’re not okay,” he started, and then he saw the flash of absolute panic cross her face, the way she froze up and her mouth opened, and he released her.  “I—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you—”

Ray shrank back, covering her face with her hands.

“No, I’m sorry, _I’m_ sorry, I know—I know you’re not him, I know it’s not him—fuck…”

Yuya’s heart fluttered.  Zarc…she was talking about Zarc.

They were both seeing someone else today, weren’t they?

“I know you wouldn’t hurt me, I don’t know why I did that,” she kept babbling.  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

“Ray-san…it’s okay.  I moved too quickly, I’m sorry, too.  It’s okay.”

Ray stood perfectly still for a moment, hands still crushed over her face as she tried to get her breath back.

“I’m okay,” she mumbled.  “I’m okay, really, you don’t have to…deal with me.  I’m sorry.”

Yuya couldn’t move, though.  His chest hurt…it hurt so bad.  He could feel the emotions of the others bubbling a bit, but they were always somewhat quiet, only spiking when they had memories relating to something they were going through.  Right now, Yuya felt dizzy looking at Ray and seeing five different people in the same place as the other three imagined their own friends superimposed over her.  His stomach twisted, and he wasn’t sure what it was from—the pain, the guilt, or the resentment he was trying to deny he had.

He licked his dry lips, looking up towards the pale white sky.  Winter was coming, soon.  It was getting colder, the air biting at his cheeks.  Soon it would snow.

He held out a hand to Ray, and after a moment, she cracked her fingers apart to see his hand outstretched.

“Let me show you something,” he said.  “It’s…someplace I go when I’m feeling like I can’t handle anything.”

Ray hesitated.

“You don’t have to take care of me, you really don’t…” she said.  “I don’t want to guilt you into…”

“You’re not,” he said.  “I promise.  Let me help.”

Akaba Ray looked down at Yuya’s hand with eyes just like Yuzu’s, filled with tears and making Yuya’s heart break—whether it was for her, or for the Yuzu who wasn’t here, he had no idea.

Ray tentatively put her hand on top of his.

“Okay,” she whispered.

*    *    *

Yuya took Ray to the railing overlooking the lake.

It looked much less impressive with the gloomy, almost-winter sky.  Normally, the sky would be blue and shining when he came here, sending light to skitter across the water like aquamarine, setting the duel dome on the other side of the lake alight with glory.

But today, the world looked cold and flat, an icy world of grays and whites.  Maybe it hadn’t been a good idea to bring her here after all.

He let go of Ray’s hand and pushed himself up onto the railing, huffing softly as he swung his legs over.  Ray gasped.

“Careful,” she said, hands reaching for him.

“It’s fine, I do this all the time,” he said, smiling back at her over his shoulder.  “Come on.”

He balanced himself on the railing and patted the spot beside him.  Ray hesitated, biting her lip.  Yuzu had never done that, Yuya thought.  Then he shook his head, ordering himself not to think about Yuzu—this was _Ray_.  He had to treat her like Ray.  It…it wasn’t fair to act like she was Yuzu, or act like she had taken Yuzu away…she was hurting as much as he was.  Maybe more.

Ray finally eased herself over the railing—Yuya immediately broke his vow to think of her as Ray as he noted that she moved with the same easy grace that Yuzu had, the grace of a dancer or an acrobat.  She swung her legs over the side and rested on the railing, gripping it for balance.

“It’s…not very pretty right now,” he said.  “But whenever I got really sad…I’d come here.  Ever since I was a kid.”

He looked down at the water, faraway beneath his feet.  One small slip, and he’d fall right into it. 

“I had this idea in my head that no one would know I was crying if I let all my tears fall into the lake,” he said, smiling sheepishly.  “I’d dump all the tears out of my goggles after I was done crying and pretend that it hadn’t happened.”

Ray half smiled, but it was clear that she was feeling awkward and uncertain.  Yuya rubbed the back of his neck.  What was he…even trying to do right now?

 _She’s not Yuzu…and it’s not her fault that Yuzu isn’t here_ , he thought.  _Who is she to me, then…?_

He looked at her sidelong.  She wasn’t looking at him, staring down at the water below.  She had to shift her weight onto one hand so that she could push her hair back over her shoulders again.  It looked like it was getting in her face.

“Do you…need a hair tie?” he asked.  “I have one…”

“No,” she said, almost too quickly.  Then she flushed.  “Sorry…it’s not that I don’t want one, I just…”

He nodded.  He understood.

She ran one hand through her hair, working out some of the wind-tossed knots. The more he glanced at her, the less she looked like Yuzu—her movement was too different, her mannerisms weren’t the same.  He couldn’t shake the eerie, uncanny valley feeling, but…but she wasn’t Yuzu.

She was just a scared, lost soul, just like him.

“You…you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” he said.  “And you don’t even have to stay here with me if you don’t want to…but if you want to talk…I want to listen.  Okay?”

Ray hesitated, her hand pausing in the middle of a brush through her hair.  She bit her lip again in a decidedly un-Yuzu fashion.

“Why?” she whispered.  “Why…why are you so nice to me…?”

Yuya looked down at the water.

“If you think I should hate you…I can’t,” he said.  “Because…you’re just as lost—maybe even more so.”

He ran a hand through his own hair as a cool, autumn-like breeze whistled past them off the water.

“At least, for me—this is still my home.  Not much has changed except, well, me.  But I know this place…and I have people who can help me through the new parts.”

He leaned forward so he could look down under her bangs, which she had let fall down over her eyes.

“But you…you’re lost,” he said.  “You’re stuck in a place that isn’t the world you remember, with none of the people you remember, and…and you seem really lonely.”

He fumbled with his words for a moment.

“I remember what it’s like to be lonely,” he said, finally.

Ray sniffled.  When Yuya glanced at her, she was smiling when she wiped her nose with the heel of her palm.

“Goddammit,” she said.  “I—I hate thinking like this.  But you’re just like he was before—”

She stopped, and Yuya knew exactly what she was talking about.  He didn’t remember it, himself…he might have accepted the fact that he was Zarc, or at least, an extension of who Zarc had been, but he didn’t remember his life as Zarc.

A question rose on his lips, to the back of his tongue, but he swallowed it back.  His own curiosity about his former self didn’t need to be sated right now.  And judging by the way she had flinched at him reaching for her so suddenly…he had a feeling that, however Ray had known him and come to defeat him, there had been more between them than he had guessed from Leo’s story and his own fragmented memory of his final moments as the Supreme King Dragon.

“Are you really okay with…listening to me bitch?” Ray said, giving an awkward, hollow laugh.

He slid his hand slowly across the railing until the side of his hand briefly touched the side of hers.

“I wouldn’t have said so otherwise,” he said.

She swallowed, her tongue flicking out over her lips— _that_ looked like Yuzu, and he quickly looked away when his stomach twisted.  _Not Yuzu_ , he reminded himself.  _She’s Ray…treat her like Ray.  It’s not fair to judge her as someone she’s not._

“I don’t even know where to start,” she said, her voice thin and choked.

“Did you have a fight with your father this morning?” he prompted.

Her lips immediately twisted, and he thought maybe that was the wrong place to start.

“He’s…he’s trying, I guess,” she mumbled.  “But…I keep remembering all the things I was seeing inside Arc V, before I was physical, before Reira let me stowaway with him.  I was…I was trying to get through to Reira to tell everyone I needed to come back to stop Zarc, but…it was because I didn’t know there was anything else I could do.”

She licked her lips again.

“But if I’m honest…I didn’t want to come back,” she whispered.  “I didn’t…I didn’t want to.  I had already made my decision…I didn’t want to have to wake up again, as me.  I was…I was horrified.  I still am.”

She pressed a hand to her mouth, briefly, before she started talking again.

“I only went to Heartland once,” she said.  “I had to see for myself…what I had glimpsed from the machine.”

Her lips cracked into an agonized smile.

“Do you know how many lives were ruined because of me?” she said, choked.  “People actually died in Heartland, during that invasion—not everyone was turned into a card before a fucking building fell on top of them or a solid vision carpet bomb took them out.  Do you know how many children were brainwashed into being soldiers for me?”

“Ray, that’s not your fault,” Yuya said.

“Maybe not, but it’s because of _me_ that my father decided to ruin entire worlds full of people, decided to _destroy_ thousands of lives just to bring me back when I wanted to be _done_ —”

She had to stop, breathing hard.  She wobbled on the railing—maybe this wasn’t a good place to finish this conversation.

Yuya hopped back over the side of the railing and held out a hand to Ray.  It took her a moment to realize that he was reaching for her, and another moment for her to accept his hand in helping her down from the railing.

“I hate him,” she said when she got back on solid ground.  Her hands twisted almost painfully into Yuya’s but he tried not to show it on his face.  “I…I actually hate him…oh god…”

She pressed one hand to her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut.

“Ray-san, it’s okay,” Yuya soothed, rubbing his thumbs against the back of her hands.  “It’s okay.  You can just let it out.”

“I remember it, Sakaki-san, I remember it so clearly, I remember when I took the En cards’ power into myself and I could see the world that was ready to be born, I tried so hard to make it a place where everyone could be happy, _including_ my father, and he just ripped it all _apart_ —”

 She was trembling so badly, and Yuya let go of one of her hand so he could take her by the shoulder, helping her sit down against the railing before she fell over.  His own heart trembled, and he felt a horrible, thick sadness in the base of his throat--

“I’m awful,” she gasped.  “I’m absolutely awful, but I can’t—I can’t stop, I hate him, I hate him, I hate what he’s done, I hate what he did for me, I hate that he’s making me live like this knowing everything that was done to bring me back when I didn’t even want to be here, I hate knowing that my existence has ripped away those girls’ right to _live_ —”

She let out a thin, broken moan, and pressed her hands to her face.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.  “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

Yuya felt his heart choking him with the pain, his own eyes welling up with tears until it was too blurry to see.  But all he could do was wrap his arms tightly around her.

“It’s okay,” he mumbled. “It’s okay…it’s okay…it’s okay…”

“They were real,” Ray said.  “They were real—Yuzu, Rin, Ruri, Selena—they were _real_.  They were real and they had the right to live, I took that right away from them—”

Yuya thought about the three other souls in his own chest, the three souls that were there and yet weren’t, about the pained look that Shun gave him sometimes despite his faint smile, about the time he had caught Dennis crying silently in the breakroom between duels and assured Yuya that everything was all right even as he avoided looking Yuya in the eye.

“I know,” he said.  “I understand…I understand…it’s okay…it’s not your fault, Ray, it’s not…”

“I’m sorry,” Ray said again.  “It w-wasn’t supposed to be _me…_ ”

Yuya hugged her even tighter, his hand stroking through her hair as his own tears rolled down his face.

“I wish I could just be her,” Ray whispered.  “I wish I could be Yuzu—I wish at least I could be her.  I have all her memories, I remember everything, but I can’t, I’m not her, and I don’t know what to _do_ …”

“You don’t have to be anyone,” Yuya said.  “You don’t have to be anyone except you, Ray-san.”

He pulled back from her, his hands on her shoulders, and tried to smile even through his tears.

“I miss Yuzu—I do,” he said. “But…but I don’t want you to think that you’ve taken her from me.”

He swallowed.  Then he released one shoulder, and held his hand towards her for a handshake.

“Let’s—let’s try this,” he said.  “Hi…I’m Sakaki Yuya.  It’s nice to meet you.”

Ray swallowed, looking at him, and then his hand, her eyes trembling with tears.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” she whispered.

“Because you have the right to exist, too, and you’re scared and alone,” Yuya said.  “I’m—I’m scared, too, and…and no one else gets the way I feel right now, how…how I’m not just one person anymore.”

He swallowed, his throat tight and chest thick with tears he was trying to hold back.

“I want to get to know Akaba Ray,” he said.  “I want to get to know you.  Because…because you and I are…we’re both anomalies, here.  We’re both hurting over terrible things that we think are our fault. And I don’t think anyone else can ever get that.”

He tried to smile again, hand still outstretched.

“We’re treading really new ground here,” he said, trying to laugh, even though it came out pretty shakily.  “Don’t you think it would be easier to figure things out as friends?”

Ray just stared at him for a long moment, lips parted.  Then she smiled too, though it looked as pained as Yuya felt.  She rubbed away the tears on either side of her eyes with one hand, and then, tremulously, she placed her hand into Yuya’s.

“I’m Akaba Ray,” she said.  “It’s nice to meet you…I’d…I’d like to get to know you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> HI HAVE SOME ANGST
> 
> Also i'm not entirely sure but i may or may not turn this into a multichapter. for now, you get this, but it might get some extra bits later


End file.
